For the past 5 weeks I've been wanting to scream from the rooftops "I'm having a baby." I shared the news with friends and family the day I found out, but I've tried to not get emotional about it because I have miscarried in the past.
The experience in the past was pretty terrible. We hadn't planned our first pregnancy, but we were excited. We only knew for a week before I lost it. The pain was worse than any period I ever had. I spent the night in the ER as I could not walk and passed out due to the pain. I felt ashamed to speak about it. I was terrified that I did something that caused my loss.
It wasn't until after we reached 12 weeks with Emily that I started to feel a little relief, but I was still nervous. I finally talked to friends about my experience. I wished I had spoken to friends when it happened, as I would have understood that it was very common, but just a taboo subject. In fact, 25% of pregnancies are lost due to miscarriage.
It took me a while to understand and comprehend that I did not cause it, although it was always in the back of my head that maybe I could have done something more.
Today I am having to relive that day. I am again lying down in pain and agony. I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that the child I was going to have will not be born. My ideal plan of my kids being 18 months apart will not happen. I have to wait even longer until I meet my second child. I will no longer be 37 when my next child will be born, but that's not really the point. I'm grieving for a child I never knew, a heartbeat I never heard and an ultrasound I never saw.
I know I will have my second child when it is time and meant to be. I love my daughter with all my heart and I will cherish our time together while its just her.